Towards the end of October, as we were preparing to leave Chennai after 2 months of studying yoga, a sense of open, undefined space surfaced. It was the first time in 9 months that we were without any plans or definite destinations. We were heading south and wanted to experience ashram life during the winter. I knew above anything else that we needed a place to settle down and just have time to ourselves.
We now had to integrate all the learning of the past 6 months. Integrate by creating a complete, daily, personal yoga practice. Integrate by having time to read reference texts and add to the notes from our classes, taking time to reflect and time to write. To attain any depth and to shape long lasting habits, these activities require stability, space, focused time and regularity.
A challenge when you are working and under time pressure, which was a good reason to do this now that we actually had the luxury of time, but equally difficult to accomplish if you’re traveling around. Using our time to settle somewhere and concentrate was clearly the next “right thing” to do. We had been consistently selecting our experiences based on the purpose of our journey formulated last December, “… to put our lives into perspective, claim our spiritual aspirations through learning and practice…” and we firmly intended to maintain this direction.
But our travel budget was expiring with an end-date mid January, extending to mid March if we reduced our expense rate 50% that was feasible only if we stayed in low cost locations for a few months. In order to replenish our travel budget, I had initiated networking contacts in September for potential consulting work in Bangalore that at first gave several promising responses. With the impact of the US financial meltdown on corporate expenses and the challenge of remaining on people’s minds when so far from the US, things slowly came to a standstill. What to do? You can’t force networking; you can only keep at it…
It took a day to make our way to Pondicherry, several hours of which we waited at mid point, on the side of the road, in the beating sun. Our challenge was to get a bus to stop, be it with standing room only but that would also have room for our luggage...
When we arrived at the Swades guesthouse in Pondicherry, we were welcomed by Ilyas, the owner of this charming 5 room home stay http://www.swades-guesthouse.com/. Ilyas is Pondicherry native –it was French at the time of his birth- and left for France as a kid. He lived there 30 years before coming back to the family house a couple of years ago to improve his family’s quality of life. His story reminded me of my own, leaving Ohio for France at age 9 and returning to my mother land 33 years later... Ilyas was a source of warmth, attentive care and peacefulness during our stay, half of which we spent sick in bed with a flu virus we had brought from Chennai.
For a long time Pondicherry http://www.pondicherryonline.in/Profile/History/ was one of the few French colonies in India, until it was handed back over to India in 1956 . The French Quarter that lines the waterfront spreading inland for several blocks is designed as a grid of tree bordered, stone paved avenues, lined with 100 to 300 year old colonial houses and mansions with lush green tropical courtyards, fountains and grand staircases leading to roofed terraces above colonnades.
The atmosphere is quiet and relaxed, the streets clean and well paved, all of which are rare in India. It’s a lightly populated part of town with a good deal of the real estate belonging to the Sri Aurobindo Ashram. We fully indulged in several of the French restaurants there, as a change from months of daily Indian meals. French families still own property there that has been passed down from one generation to the other. And many current owners have never seen the property they inherited, that is often going to wrack and ruin.
I was feeling at home in this islet of French history and culture; it reminded me of one of my favorite cities in the world, Aix en Provence. But my mind was struggling with our travel issues. Our visas are due to expire in January and we’ll need to leave the country to get new ones. We still don’t know where the optimal place to go is or for how long new visas will be issued, despite my research on the topic... We were also hoping to attend an intensive yoga program in February for which we needed funding, and had put aside the idea of spending a month at an Ayurveda center in Kerala for the same budgeting reasons.
Kamala and I were getting tired of packing and unpacking, moving every several weeks or days. I was feeling anxious with the open-endedness, needing more direction and control on our life.
I needed some longer-term plans that would direct the coming months. Along with my networking for short term consulting in Bangalore, I had been contemplating starting a fully-fledged consulting business here and was researching legal status and administrative procedures. I was feeling the urge to locate and design our future life and my next professional venture.
Not one single question we faced had a straightforward answer. The buildup of interdependent issues and timelines was drastically changing our experience of the trip from the preceding 9 months. All the actions I had initiated on any of these moving targets had been fleeing, at best. How any of this would play out was unknown.
Here we were, again treading the curves of the great labyrinth (see Jan ’08 blog in the archives).
Pondicherry was a sharp turn in my outlook on our journey. Kamala and I both loved the place and I started feeling that we could actually live there. Ilyas explained to me that Pondicherry had specific, simplified procedures for business creation and how the network of French entrepreneurs there could be a support system to my endeavor. Kamala and I visited the Sri Aurobindo hand made paper manufacture and before I knew it I ended up with freshly printed business cards including my India cell phone number and the name of a company to be.
We headed inland after 10 days in Pondicherry, fully recovered from our Chennai virus. The idea of creating a company and visions of a life in India were growing and getting me more and more excited every day. The idea of having my own business to manage –just like during the first 10 years of my professional life– and the prospect of being in a unique position, as an American-French global management consultant based in India felt like a great adventure to shift into!
Then we arrived in Thiruvannamalai to stay at the Ramana Maharshi ashram. The town is one of the major holy Shiva sites in India, at the base of mount Arunachala, the red mountain, where Ramana Maharshi spent more than 20 years in meditation in the early 1900's. His main teaching is about finding the divine essence of who we are through the path of self inquiry.
On our second day here, all of our questions and wonderings clashed.
Our trip was actually hitting a wall.
Kamala was feeling empty and out of energy for the first time in 9 months; I was clutching to my latest idea, like to a buoy that would save us from the deep, dark waters around us. Then, I understood that my excitement around creating the future was in fact my best answer to close the open-endedness of our unresolved situation and regain the sense of control of our trip and of our life.
Thiruvannamalai leads to drastic readjustments; several people have told us how empty and aimless they felt for the first days after arriving. It is as though there was some cleansing power to the place itself. This could be associated to Shiva, the god who destroys illusions and ignorance through the devastating fire of divine truth. The same friends explained that their vision became clearer after their initial helplessness and that they found new direction thereafter. In our case we could see it happening; we were here at a very special point in our trip.
For all I know, our “productive” travel may be accomplished at this point. Perhaps is it time for a deeper journey, one that extends beyond the uplifting learning experiences, yoga classes and travels; one that confronts us with our deeper selves, with our desires and our fears. This could be a time to integrate our philosophical and spiritual learning, by putting equanimity, perspective, insight and clarity into practice.
On the spot.
A time to see how we can actually deal with the challenges we have created for ourselves.
A time to learn to surrender to the process we’ve generated and maintain faith in the outcome.
We are smack in the midst of what Bill Bridges’ calls the “Neutral zone” of personal transitions.
The Past is over, with a point of no return.
The Future remains to be created, completely undefined yet inevitable.
Everything is in flux, unpredictable and with an uncertain outcome; insecurity can paralyze the ability to move forward.
People don’t like being in this uncomfortable phase and try to get out of it as quickly as possible.
A few years ago Bill told me that because so much is happening at the subconscious level, the neutral zone is the richest period of development for individuals and organizations. It’s actually a time of gestation and profound transformation, where new, unexpected ideas can sprout and grow, where learning from the past and fresh insights on one’s self foster creativity and renewal.
The past week here in Thiruvannamalai has illustrated typical behaviors of such a period. We have each been going through ups and downs, ranging from confusion and emptiness to acceptance and excitement. We have been processing, reflecting alone in silence or talking together, about limitations, possibilities, what-ifs, yes-buts, about our expectations and our doubts. Two days ago we actually spent the entire day in our ashram room, without setting a foot outside. We did not want to go out into the world, were needing solitude and retreat. And no decisions or actions were coming out of any of this.
We have since felt more centered, ready to take each day for what it is. We are settling down here to work on our learning and practice for a few weeks, avoiding hasty decisions and allowing the future to shape itself during this period. And creating a business may be in plan, or not. With the inner work, we will delve deeper and with time create a new life.
A major requirement of the Neutral zone is to let go. Let go of control, let go of the past, let go of needing the future to be definite and reassuring. Only at this condition will the future actually bear the rich possibilities of transformation and renewal.
Yesterday, November 6th 2008, our return flight to San Francisco left Bangkok at 6:50 am. Without us.
We are here to allow our process to unfold.
No comments:
Post a Comment